sinsparadox | i know you're here to stay with me, <@limerently>

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i know you're here to stay with me, <@limerently>

(coming around to trying things differently mean that she wasn't always good at tearing herself from old habits. where one might approach something with a new mindset, natsuki has....trouble, to put it lightly. there's been improvements. she doesn't skip as often, though that's small in comparison to everything else. it wasn't unusual to still find her skipping class, it also wasn't unusual for some people to not hear from her over lengthy periods. some might wonder how natsuki even lives during such times of disappearance and nothing more than concerns, worries, about what she landed herself in this time.

except lately, she's attempted to change that habit. if only for one person, it was a good enough change that she did try. the struggle is more in her ability to be honest rather than worrying said special person more about her. so it comes as little surprise in the morning there was a familiar text sent out to shizuru's phone.)

I'm fine.

(that wasn't the case, however. what happened instead of adding to it was natsuki found herself tired and worn down. the pains had eased, no doubt thanks to the painkillers she took earlier. the telltale sign of bandages are there, around her arm this time and her torso again. she must have gotten into a scuffle, something of one. nothing unusual for her while she thinks to herself she ought to try showing her face later, shizuru might want that. it'd be better than missing the entire day before sleep eventually settles itself into her mind.

that's not what happened, though, either, unfortunately for natsuki.

hours ticked by, sleep had been something she needed desperately. the fact she was injured wasn't quite a deterrent for her body to force about that need to get a proper rest. her sleep was never something restful while alone. often filled with nightmares, memories, and things she'd prefer to not think too much about on any given day. not unless natsuki felt like depressing herself again, typically about how things could have been different were she to have done things sooner. faster. if she even could've. that's the thing with hindsight, it changes little in the grand scheme for something like learning experiences.

such as tonight's, the hours that ticked away soon gradually shifted into evening. she hadn't replied to any texts, she hadn't stirred aside from hazy wanderings to the bathroom and promptly back to sleep. it's amusing almost.

were this any other person, someone might have come frantically knocking on their door and demanding a response. natsuki is bound to have people that would do such things normally (if they knew about her antics well enough) who might if they get fed up by her. that's what makes this night so amusing, the haze of deep slumber has a grip on natsuki. to the point, she doesn't notice. not the familiar notes of perfume, not the gentle brush of fingertips against her cheek.

like tracing a familiar pattern known to them solely.

tenderly, softly, worriedly.

she feels warmth, a warmth that was familiar and unfamiliar. unfamiliar in the comfort, familiar in that same comfort despite how foreign it might feel to her. she comes closer to it, nudging into that hand that tenderly brushes it's palm now against her cheek with a softened sigh. she felt at peace, though that changes at familiar lips pressing into hers like a gentler attempt at awakening this silly young girl from her rest. instinctively, she kisses back as bleary eyes are slow to open. the blurriness of her vision is blinked away into natsuki being given a surprise.

a deer in headlights look as she jolts back, though it's followed quickly with her looking apologetic. that wasn't the fault of shizuru, this was more that natsuki hadn't exactly....expected her to come by.)

Shizuru?

(unluckily, again, for natsuki, this means she couldn't hide why she missed class. this time.)

[Life after the HiME festival somehow felt easier to adjust to, compared to life after graduating from Fuuka.

Shizuru was only half-joking when she offered to say behind while Natsuki finished her final year, but she knew that for them to really make progress— both individually and within their relationship— they needed to find their own ways. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, wasn't that the saying? But her heart aches whenever she and Natsuki are apart, and Shizuru only truly feels complete when they're together again.

She doesn't make it Natsuki's problem, though. They've gone through so much, that she's grateful. More grateful than she can express that she's even been given a second chance at doing right by the person she cares so much for. Shizuru is trying, she really is. Those feelings that she shamed and berated herself for at last have a chance to breathe. The ostracism that she had feared never came to pass, and she could more than endure some good-natured teasing from their friends over her obvious crush. Even Haruka, who found herself at the same university after graduation, was welcomed into Shizuru's orbit— despite still grumbling about their rivalry. It was part of her efforts to live more honestly, and to not keep so many people at arm's length with polite façades. It surprised Shizuru, how simple life could be when she finally dared to embrace freedom. How sweet it could be.

Is it the same for Natsuki? She certainly hopes so. They're both trying, in their own ways. More than anything, she's so immensely proud of Natsuki for her own strength and efforts. It hasn't been easy, Shizuru knows, but so long as they're not going backwards, then she can't ask for anything else.

She shouldn't ask for anything more.

And yet, Shizuru knows herself well. Even if she doesn't want to rush Natsuki, she can't help but feel a deep fondness— an excitement— when she remembers the way that Natsuki had kissed her and told her that she loved her. It's a chance that's so precious in her hands that she'll not let it wither.

They communicate often enough. Daily, at the very least, quick texts traded when a phone call isn't possible. Shizuru always greets her in the morning, sometimes asking her if she slept well or if she had anything interesting going on that day. And always, she wishes her well. 'Have a nice day, Natsuki,' or 'I can't wait to see you again.'

It's not a surprise when she gets a rather short text in the morning from Natsuki. That's fine, she probably has important things going on. There's always later, when they can have a more proper conversation. Shizuru will look forward to it. But the hours drag on and she admittedly becomes a bit restless, finding her lectures only half as interesting as wondering what Natsuki could be getting up to today. She sends a couple more texts, asking if she had any plans, considering the weekend was fast upon them. Maybe they could do something together? Only if Natsuki was free and wanted to, of course.

She hoped that she would want to.

But there aren't any answers to any of her messages. Guilt reflexively twists at her stomach as the day drags on. Was she being too much? Was she smothering her? Old habits and old insecurities were hard to break… When her phone finally pings, she rushes to check and understandably feels a little deflated when she sees that it's only a text from Mai. Just as quickly, the idea pops into her head that she can always ask Mai about Natsuki, though it feels like something sneaky at the same time. However, Shizuru has the choice made for her already— Mai asks if Natsuki was staying over her place lately, since she hasn't been in class the last couple of days. A few messages are exchanged before Shizuru decides to make the trip to check on her, herself.

Something doesn't feel right— and she's selfish, a chance to see Natsuki is always a chance worth taking.

Her university is just a train ride from Natsuki's apartment complex. Long enough where she could look over some of the notes that she brought along to study, but she can't concentrate. Her thoughts drift to Natsuki before the train even leaves the station, and the late afternoon scenery becomes a blur as she makes her way towards her beloved. Is everything okay? Should she have done something more, asked something different? Was there something that she wasn't paying attention to? Something that Natsuki felt like she couldn't trust her with?

When the thoughts begin to hurt, Shizuru does her best to will them away. No, Natsuki does trust her. Neither of them are perfect, and Shizuru is still allowed to worry. Isn't she?

The road to Natsuki's apartment is a familiar one, despite her nerves at showing up basically unannounced. When she unlocks the front door, the only light is from the entryway. Everything else is curiously bathed in the colors of the evening. Shizuru frowns, even as she removes her shoes and softly excuses her intrusion. She knows that her friend isn't the type to retire to bed early, but her motorcycle is still parked outside, and nothing seems to indicate that Natsuki is anywhere other than somewhere here in the apartment. It doesn't help her nerves, one bit.

The bedroom door is open when she passes by, and Shizuru peers in, eyes adjusting to the low light. Relief hits her hard when she sees a familiar figure atop the bed, dark hair spilled over the pillows and the sound of quiet breathing that seems a touch too labored for a comfortable sleep.]

Natsuki…?

[She keeps her voice low, a whisper, as she draws closer. Oh, how she missed her. The swell of happiness at being together is at odds with the plain fact that Shizuru is here, right now, uninvited and practically hovering over Natsuki as she sleeps. She should be better, she should. She should know better, especially after last time…

But Shizuru can't help it. She loves her.]

Natsuki…

[Her eyes trail over her beloved's figure longingly, only stopping when they catch the bandages around her arm and torso. Shizuru's expression turns pained— what happened? Natsuki got hurt, or someone hurt her. Both possibilities made her sick to even consider, but the worst of it is that Natsuki has been suffering silently for who knows how long. Shizuru feels horrible, like the worst friend for not being there for Natsuki, even if she had no way of knowing without being told directly.

The anguish puts her into a haze, and she half notices how she reflexively reaches out to caress the sleeping girl's face. Immediately, the contact puts her at ease , but she doesn't stop, letting her fingertips trace over pretty skin, slightly damp with sweat. When Natsuki, still asleep, nuzzles into her palm, Shizuru almost feels like her heart is going to burst, and she can't resist— she gives in to selfish desires that wells up thickly enough that she'd happily choke upon it. Leaning closer, closer, closer until they're only a hairsbreadth apart, Shizuru gazes lovingly upon Natsuki's face before closing the space between their lips.

Oh— she can't describe how beautiful this feeling is. How splendid it is that she could practically cry from sheer joy. Natsuki, her Natsuki, the only person she ever wants to love. And, ah— she isn't imagining it, is she? Her heart nearly stops when she feels a slight pressure against her lips, a reciprocity that she doesn't anticipate but welcomes wholeheartedly.

But, that would mean… ]

Ah, Natsuki— I'm…

[When Natsuki awakens and pulls back, Shizuru feels that dreadful pang of guilt stab into her heart. Even though the expression on the other girl's face is far from admonishing, she still feels foolish— and more foolish still that she is overjoyed that Natsuki had returned her greedy little kiss.]

I'm sorry. I was worried about you, and…

[She didn't want to throw Mai under the bus, so she refrains from mentioning their texts. Tearing her eyes away from Natsuki's, she looks upon the injuries with marked distress.]

You're hurt, Natsuki.

['I wish I had known,' is the silent implication. 'I wish you had told me.' But she won't make Natsuki feel guilty. That's the last thing she'd ever want to do.]

What happened…?

(she hadn't expected this.

the text sent had been a simple one, to spare her the trouble. the worries. with something like love, she's never been a fast learner. love is a scary emotion in how it drives and changes people into something else. the way that it can make them become frightening, do terrifying things themselves alone in the name of it. she's not used to the warmth. the gentle feeling of it embracing her as her mind starts to fill itself with a sense of longing. thoughts that changed, drifted into wondering and dreaming. imagining. foreign, she doesn't believe she'd get used to that. not about what dreams may fill her mind. nightmares that she's often plagued by, they've begun to change into something sweeter by far in what natsuki has usually plaguing her.

it was instinct, instinct which caused that reciprocation. the familiar taste of her lips on natsuki's tongue while she attempts to hide how flustered she must be in realization. no, she didn't admonish her. her half-hearted claims of shizuru being an "idiot" died on her tongue tonight. wasn't it better, that she didn't? her mind races, somewhere between relief and telling herself, reminding herself, that she's safe. shizuru wouldn't push her into acting on these emotions that were blooming within her so fast, so soon.

this emotion is something she wants to learn, as long as she'd have her. in gentle guiding, the swell of yearning in one as the other reminds herself often that she'll be fine. natsuki is stubborn, but her dedication can't be denied in how she tries.

her greed is a monster, but one that natsuki knows that shizuru doesn't expect her to match the intensity of. that had been something she was quick to realize at the start, in how there was no rush to her steps. no sense of being pushed beyond her comfort in the pace that had been set about. a pace that seems to be controlled mainly by natsuki. she can deal with that, though their days apart had something of a similar effect on her heart. not only in dreams, but in wondering when they might find themselves together again.

to say that she notices the guilt is an understatement, the question. as per her usual, she did get into something of a scuffle. those are rarer these days, natsuki had long since learned to take comfort in the normal life she now has....until something happens, something that doesn't sit well with her. not enough to simply sit by, but she was reluctant to mention that.)

....nothing bad. (she sighs, as reluctant as she is, it's better not to worry shizuru further.) Not as bad as before.

(as bad as whenever her desire for revenge often took the lead in her life. it wasn't necessarily as bad as it could have been, a minor accident, her seeing some things she didn't quite agree with in the attitude of the other person. the ensuing fight was ended quickly, followed by natsuki opting to leave before someone decided to report what happened to the authorities. it was mostly minor cuts and bruises that had been covered up, sometimes it's a wonder how she could stick with a motorcycle.

they are still dangerous to drive, but she also was not the worst driver around. well, if her risky maneuvers aren't counted, the fact she is quite willing to drive through buildings on it, and other things that would be considered concerning about her choices in road safety.

honestly, she should stop trying to skirt around it, but it is natsuki.

natsuki who finds herself rubbing her temples, the sharp headache that had risen was an indicator that she had clearly been asleep too long. missing meals was terrible enough, not to mention that she almost felt hungover from the migraine that's settled in now that her eyes were opened properly.)

How long was I asleep for....?

(that's a good question. for her, anyway. hadn't she intended to only sleep until noon? she would have headed in after that, a late start to her day and avoided worrying anyone too much if she could help it. that wasn't what happened. what happened was her current predicament. it's one thing to lose track of time, it's another to find herself sleeping away most of the day from her nights spent wide awake and thinking too often about things that some might find her crazy for.

or judge her, perhaps. she's been so often thinking about "forbidden love" as it's often called. love between two women. love that people would say shouldn't exist, that it's a sin with disgusted expressions. she finds it impossible to not consider how it's started to sting.

almost enough to make her wonder to herself if falling in love was supposed to do that. still, shizuru shouldn't be apologizing for worrying. natsuki recognizes that, she's the one at fault between them. the girl she's slowly falling for has nothing to blame herself for about coming to see if she were fine. she's understood that her habits are worrisome things. enough that sometimes a physical confirmation is a necessity between them, which is why she can't find it in herself to be angry about this unannounced visit.

it was shizuru's choice.)

What are you apologizing for, it's my fault for sleeping so long, isn't it?

(never mind the kiss, she can let that slide. it was a kiss, though her lips still tingle. the tender feeling of it hasn't left. the worry behind those familiar brushes of her fingertips, of her palm against her cheek. an exception can be made, this time. to any flinching she might usually do, she hadn't for that reason.

now, any subsequent times with her being awake fully is another story. she hasn't gotten used to physical affection entirely, not yet. the baby steps had managed to find a place in handholding as her start, often initiated by natsuki whenever she worked up the nerve to do it. it always felt so foreign, so strange, but she knows she'll manage. it's enough that she's trying, isn't it? that's what she wants to think about it, knowing shizuru likely felt elated in an innocent way about something as simple as that. as simple as seeing natsuki's bashful expression while she reminds herself that she's okay.

it's better she didn't think too much about it, her face is on fire enough from realizing they kissed and is only slowly easing away.)

[It's safe to say that Shizuru will probably always worry about Natsuki. There isn't any doubt that she trusts her, or doubts that she's tough enough to hold her own, but tonight only serves as a harsh reminder that the distance between them is one of the bigger trials that they'll have to endure together.

The reluctance that keeps Natsuki from recounting exactly how she got those injuries is obvious. 'Nothing bad,' she says, in that way which reminds Shizuru of all those times before, when she kept her comings and goings vague. For Shizuru's sake. To keep her from getting involved, to keep her from worrying. Maybe even to keep her from once again being captured by those twisted feelings deep, deep down, the ones that would have her crushing anything and anyone who ever dared to cause Natsuki any harm.

Oh, Shizuru had done some despicable things in the name of a love she was so sure that was too rotten to be returned. She truly did give herself completely to the darkest parts of her heart, at the cost of almost ruining everything. Everything. And as much as she wants to forget that shame, as sincerely and as honestly as she tries to live this second chance at life, she knows that she'll remember it forever.

But she won't go back to that darkness, she won't let it drag her to those horrible depths again. Even as her mind dares to wonder about who might have done this to Natsuki, she brings herself back to reality with the very sobering thought that nothing can be done about it, now. Because if she has to choose between making them pay, and being here with her beloved, then the choice is an obvious one.

Frowning as she watches Natsuki rub her temples in clear discomfort, Shizuru sits a bit closer to her on the bed and rubs her shoulder soothingly, gently pushing away any strands of hair that still cling to her sticky skin.]

I'm not sure. I've only been here for a short while, myself. I started to worry when I didn't hear from you since this morning.

[Meaning, that's a good enough guess as any as to how long Natsuki might have been asleep for. Shizuru noticed the painkillers on her nightstand, of course, as well as the lack of dishes in the kitchen when she was passing through. It's highly likely that she hasn't eaten much today, if at all.

Oh, Natsuki…

The pain must have been terrible if all she could manage was sleeping the day away. If only Shizuru had known, then she would have dropped everything to help out. It's funny, how she would be the one skipping classes, then, taking a page out of Natsuki's book. Now that wouldn't be the worst thing, would it? The thought of shrugging off all responsibilities to be with Natsuki has its own alluring thrill to it.

At the girl's remark, Shizuru shakes her head in refusal, her fingers gingerly combing through long dark hair in an attempt to provide some comfort.]

Nothing's your fault, Natsuki.

[Her tone is kind, but firm. The last thing she wants is for Natsuki to blame herself for anything, let alone things that were clearly an overindulgence on Shizuru's part.]

Your body needs to recover. But sleep alone just won't do. You haven't had anything to eat, have you?

[Even though the hour is late— and only getting later— Shizuru would be more than happy to prepare her a nourishing meal to give her some strength back. There's something special, something tenderly domestic about having the honors of cooking for Natsuki, especially in the girl's own apartment. Using the utensils that Natsuki does, rummaging through her cupboards with a nurtured familiarity, quietly pretending to herself that they're playing house— she already feels her heart quickening at the prospect.

Ah, but her thoughts are getting ahead of her again, aren't they? Whenever it comes to Natsuki, Shizuru will forever have an overactive imagination. Admitting it, acknowledging it, accepting it— that's part of living more truthfully, no?

And Natsuki… she accepts Shizuru still, despite everything. So, there isn't anything wrong or unseemly about thoughts like these, innocent in nature. And there can't be anything wrong about the way that she trails her hand down to ghost over the bandages wrapped around Natsuki's body. It brings to mind how she had changed the dressings before, and a light flush colors her cheeks, almost imperceptible under the low lighting.]

Natsuki, will you…

[She ventures slowly, searching green eyes for any indication that she's overstepping, pushing too hard, asking for too much.]

…will you let me stay and take care of you?

[For the night, for the weekend? For however long Natsuki would have her, Shizuru will devote herself completely to her full recovery. Despite how things had turned out the last time she was in charge of Natsuki's care, there's nothing that would fulfill her more than to try again, to do better, especially now that there are hardly any secrets between the two of them. More than that, there's a privacy here that would be much harder to breach than at the borrowed residence of one of her tea ceremony students. It would just be the two of them, with everything that could possibly entail.

There they go again, those thoughts of hers. There's no helping it— she's too far gone and too deeply in love. And there's no doubt about it, she's secretly hoping that this isn't the only kiss they'll share during her sojourn here.]

(she's always been more physical in touch, natsuki wasn't, but shizuru was. anything had been slow, easy. a sense of comfort, a sense of wanting her to relax in response to whatever shizuru might give her. that desire to embrace natsuki while also wrestling with deeper desires. some of which she was by no means ready for, not this soon. despite the way they carry on, love isn't something that can be rushed between them. their hearts know. their heads, however, that can be another story in the way that love might take others on this journey it brings people together on. it's a trial, but a trial that they must face themselves in this distance that is imposed on them. if only for now. one day, they would be together again. sooner rather than later, she wants to believe from how her own heart has been a confusing thing as of late.

more than ever, admittedly. she doesn't speak about the full incident, not because of shame, but because she knows shizuru. there was no need to punish someone for what could be perceived as wrongdoings against natsuki. there isn't. what this is....it's nothing much. her worries are placed more on what shizuru would have done had she been there. the worrisome thought that it might have gotten worse. maybe not, she does trust shizuru to control herself if she must choose between natsuki or chasing after someone that wasn't worth the effort. or perhaps, that would be after natsuki calms her fury.

yes, that sounded about right. natsuki would have to soothe the fury in her heart potentially, reminders that she's not badly injured. not like back then. nao wasn't exactly a gentle girl, and it was evident both of them were destined to never get along. for many reasons, none of them good. probably not even something that others would think too much about, but natsuki has learned that their similarities are enough that it simply fell that way.

she does not say what might happen, she won't. her thoughts have a consistent direction that began spinning itself into shizuru's direction during this separation. a mix of things, often filled with something of her imagination being stirred. the imagination of girls like her is such a funny thing, the thoughts that she had before with that belief of nefarious intentions being in mind during shizuru's care of her. she almost feels worse than she imagined that, that she didn't trust her enough to think briefly that her own head could be antagonizing her further than it's done as of late.

at the time, there was more that she didn't understand.

love is the biggest part of her lack of understanding, that she had spent so long not realizing what was before her. she doesn't flinch, not at the tender push to soothe away any remnant of pain that natsuki feels in her skull. the dull thrum of a migraine, missing meals meant one's body being unhappier than usual after sleeping as long as she did. the brush of her hair being pushed away to reveal that pretty face of hers again to the world that is inch by inch being made into their own.

this is fine, she tells herself. the slowness of it, the careful touches as if to tame a frightened stray cat. that she hadn't eaten yet is a thought natsuki brushes aside, for a little longer.)

No, I hadn't exactly eaten since last night.

(as if on cue, her stomach decided to make that known itself. not loud enough to be rude, but enough that it states its own disagreement with her sleeping all day. well off, late into the night. her phone is something she reaches for, relaxing while shizuru's fingers card through her hair, the strands of it smooth as ever to the touch. the clock did indeed tell her everything she needed, with a wince at seeing the number of missed messages. she really did sleep to the tune of twelve or so hours without realizing.

at least shizuru's texts weren't frantic, that might have made her feel worse.

the idea of playing house is there, domesticity. they've played at in childish ways, games. sometimes she'd invite her over, though it hadn't ever been something like staying the night. she'd eat her cooking when it was offered, she'd even see her off back to the dorms while natsuki stayed in her home. off campus, alone. attempting to not drag shizuru further into what was something dangerous that she had been playing with. in her heart, she did know the truth. shizuru wasn't a regular student. she often thought to herself that it was better this way, she didn't need to know. that her selfish desire to keep those important to her at arms length was for the best, they didn't need to see what she's been up to.

what she used to do, sometimes it comes back to her. she thinks about it too much. if she had acknowledged these feelings sooner, could it have changed anything between them?

that's the question natsuki doubts that she'd ever get the answer to. where her goes is elsewhere, the ghosting of her hand along bandages that had been well-adjusted and wrapped up around her. she notices, or so natsuki thinks, the hint of red tinging shizuru's cheeks. that was a reminder in a way, shizuru has seen her body. the parts of it that were exposed, anyway, during that last time she found herself in a pathetic state. nao had destroyed her bike in her misguided attempts at revenge.

....ha, it also makes her remember, the two of them are too similar again. had she not opened her heart, she doubts she'd be any different from her. using her body, her looks, to attract older men and using it to her advantage. taking money, whatever she could get her hands on, while claiming its justice.

if it hadn't been for shizuru....the thought stays, the question hangs in the air while her expression shifts to being contemplative. she wasn't reluctant, but thoughtful. a part of her is more concerned that shizuru might miss class, one of them is in university and much better student than the other. natsuki did have to ask if the other girl would take time to help her catch up what she's missed. better her than mai, mai would have teased her over it again.

maybe it's better she does say yes, tonight, it's funny how she felt the weight of loneliness disappearing. fading away into nothing while they're together, another feeling that blooms within her that she wasn't used to. this warmth.)

....if it's not a bother, Shizuru.

(the thoughts are there again, what happened the last time they were alone? a gentle kiss, much like the one she was given earlier. she felt the soft brush of her lips in her sleep on rare occasions, sometimes when the nightmares were particularly brutal. the feeling of someone soothing them in silence as she slept, of someone wishing for something gentle for her beloved who knew not what those emotions were in her heart.

even now, she tries to learn.

they might kiss again, who knows, she doesn't. shizuru was the one who felt something more passionate, more intense. a desire she couldn't describe alone, while also desiring her love to be returned in what way natsuki could manage over time. that's something else she's began to realize, her steps forward didn't need to be on the same level. so perhaps, she does enough in offering what tenderness that she can in return.

natsuki can do that much, as clumsy as it might be.)

I can draw a bath for you after we eat if you'd like. (she might as well play hostess, but there's also the other matter....should they share a bed? she'd have to consider it, that might be a step too fast, though maybe not. it isn't like she would be pushing to be physical beyond what slow affection they give one another.)

[Thankfully, love isn't something that needs to be sorted out hastily between Shizuru and Natsuki. Nor does it need to be excessively discussed, as if trying to dissect it in a way, breaking it apart into objective pieces to have it make some sort of rational sense.

In what world is love ever rational? And for them, especially— would love ever be something that could ever make sense? For Shizuru, she was smitten the moment she first laid eyes upon Natsuki, and love at first sight is as irrational as one can get. But, there truly is no other feeling like it, the sudden force that smashes one's heart completely open to a beauty unknown to them before that instant. If she could, Shizuru would want to experience this manner of love in every lifetime.

If she could, she would want to fall in love with Natsuki Kuga in every lifetime.

Would she do this all again? Endure this suffering and relinquish herself to that terrible chaos again? Risk losing Natsuki, risk earning her hatred?

As she sifts her fingers through her beloved's hair, watching the girl relax into her touch rather than flinch away from it, Shizuru finds that the answer is a rather simple one once the worries are brushed aside— she would. If these trials are the price to be paid in every life she'll live, if the honor of loving Natsuki is the light that awaits her beyond the darkness of shame, then she'll pay it a thousand times over. A million times over.

No, there's not a single rational thing about Shizuru's love. Hers is a garden, untamed and wild despite its prim and proper caretaker. But Natsuki, her love is still just a handful of seeds cast to the soil, uncertain of what they'll even become once they sprout. It can't be rushed, their growth, but Shizuru hopes that she can always stand by Natsuki's side, the two of them watering these seeds together.

Alas, Natsuki can hardly tend to her own garden in the state that she's in. When she confirms what Shizuru had expected, the older girl shakes her head and tries not to let the worry prickle at her too deeply.]

Last night? Oh, Natsuki…

[But, at the almost comically-timed grumble of Natsuki's unhappy stomach, Shizuru laughs sweetly. The sound of her mirth slices through the concern blanketing her earlier sigh. Let's hope that there's something edible in the kitchen for her to work with, yes?]

It's never a bother. I'm here whenever you need me.

[She speaks it as if it's a pledge, her tone warm and replete with adoration.]

Even if I don't live as close by as before, I'm always just a phone call away.

[Beneath her gentle reminder is the faintest undercurrent of something akin to urgency— something that almost begs Natsuki rely on her more, to call upon her for anything.

It must be a vestige of the relationship that they had enjoyed while attending the academy together. Back then, it was easier to set aside council duties to help Natsuki with whatever she needed. Back then, they could enjoy pockets of quiet time between classes together, or pass an afternoon or two alone after the last bell had rung.

How lucky she is, to have known Natsuki for this long.

Every memory before this girl— so cute and yet so painfully antisocial at the time— had arrived at Fuuka seems devoid of any real significance. Meeting her that day in the gardens had changed Shizuru's life forever. And every memory since is one that she'll hold close to her heart for as long as she lives. Being so far apart really does ache, but it won't be for long. Less than a year, she hopes, if Natsuki decides on what her own love shall become.

Just when Shizuru thinks that she's drifting, solitary in these intense feelings of hers, Natsuki surprises her with a bit of tenderness. Such a sweet girl, still thinking of ways to take care of her even when she hardly has the energy to keep herself afloat. No matter if these attempts are clumsy, Shizuru really can't love her any more than in this moment, right now.]

Natsuki!

[Again, she laughs, using her hand at Natsuki's torso to draw her into an embrace, ever so slightly. She's careful not to put any undue pressure upon her injuries, but it does feel indescribably pleasant to have this warmth against her body again. She loves holding Natsuki close to her.]

I can't have you pushing yourself so hard.

[It's only a bath, something even Natsuki could manage in her state, but Shizuru has already made up her mind about how all of this is to go, and Natsuki taking care of her is nowhere near the top of that agenda.]

No, I just won't hear it. Let me take care of everything, all right?

[The swell of pride at having such a responsibility bestowed upon her is plain as day. After all, when she says 'everything,' she certainly means it. Whatever Natsuki requests of her, she'll fulfill each one with the utmost enthusiasm. Catching up on missed schoolwork is a given, as well as making sure that she has a fresh set of linens to sleep on tonight. She'll try not to imagine them sharing a bed while she switches the sheets, but that's probably wishful thinking. This would be the first time she's staying over Natsuki's apartment, after all— of course her mind would go to those places.]

I'll have the bath ready for you once you've finished eating.

[Apologies, Natsuki, but she has no intention of budging on this. But… ]

Don't worry— I'll be there to help you wash up, as well.

[The unease from before hasn't completely gone away, but it has dissipated enough for Shizuru's usual teasing to slip out. Her special brand of mischief, reserved only for Natsuki. And it veers towards flirtiness, as it often does when the two of them are alone like this.

It'll be up to Natsuki, of course, whether or not Shizuru is kidding or if she intends to make good on this suggestion.]

(she has it in her to be bashful, the unsurprising aspect of their relationship is that natsuki has shame. enough of it that she might often call her an "idiot", though that depended on what she said. perhaps even what she does, too. shizuru is someone natsuki considers she can be herself around, now that she's stopped running away from those who love her and the one person her heart belonged to inch by inch. love is frightening, but it's also a beautiful thing. they've both done things in the name of it (though natsuki was more in the name of revenge), shizuru more than natsuki once the cat was out of the proverbial bag. what a beautifully terrible thing it is, holding them by the throat and leading along into what should be their own world.

together, alone.

she doesn't flinch away, if only by reminding herself, she didn't have to. embracing this feeling isn't the easiest, the safety of it and how she feels the tension easing away. safety. she feels that way, a feeling around her fingertips that natsuki brushes them against while shizuru in these lessons of love nurtures seeds which haven't bloomed yet in her own empty garden. the wild overgrowth of shizuru's own, untamed and unapologetic, but also gorgeous in the flowers that have bloomed in their own colors. what matters more is how they go about this journey, what matters to them is what their hearts desire without words.

it hurts to be apart in its own way, a sense of missing something important despite knowing the other isn't that far away. her heart, such a barren thing until her own world began to be colored prettily, how frightening love is. that she doesn't regret her choice at the end, not even how long it took for her to start this journey properly. her only regret is the suffering shizuru faced in silence, alone. would it have changed anything, had she noticed sooner? if she had responded to the ache of her heart while pretending she's ignorant of the truth, of everything? she didn't know, the answer was not something she'd ever have from what natsuki has realized gradually.

this is what it means to be the light of someone's world, this tenderly fleeting feeling that doesn't fade away. without realizing, without ever knowing, it enveloped her and held her sweetly. it begged her to look, to hear it, these emotions that were buried down under the cover of a serene smile and gentle teasing pointed in natsuki's direction. so maybe, it's enough she tries tonight more than ever. not to flinch, not to turn away from being afraid in the quiet of the night alone as she knows, she's caused some trouble again.

rationality wasn't something that they needed.

love is supposed to be irrational, it's supposed to change those who touch it. the way that the sun and moon might feel while they're apart. the skies above as natsuki wonders to herself often if the lonely sting of her heart might find itself soothed again some day, under the warmth of shizuru's garden and natsuki's own surrounding them in vibrant colors when those seedlings blossom themselves in this world of love that they may not find themselves deserving of.

so, she blushes. flustered, bashful, at her stomach's interruption. she had food, everything should be edible for a nice dinner between two girls who clumsily offer love.

her laugh, it stirs something. she missed that, hearing it face to face for any number of reasons. the sound of it like a melody in shizuru's amusement. like wondering what to do with this stray dog she holds in her hands the heart of, that she was so neglectful for a change. as of late, anyway. she had been breaking away from such miserable habits for quite some time. shizuru wouldn't want her to be trapped by them, she would want what's best for natsuki and natsuki believes she should keep trying.

that's all she can do in this tender feeling they call love.

in the name of that, she decides, she should take a chance while telling herself it'll be okay again. just like the way shizuru touches her gently, slowly, to not spook her in her fingers carding through her hair.)

....it isn't like I mind if you want to come by, even if it's unannounced like now.

(she tries, tries to sound calm and collected. it's not easy when she hasn't necessarily recovered from being flustered by her stomach interrupting them. embarrassing, but understandable. then again, this is also embarrassing. some people made it seem so easy, like they didn't have to think much about it. that it's natural to allow someone to cross a line slowly into the bubble, allowing them to stay wherever they are. embracing their other half, their own beloved, while welcoming them all along with love in their eyes.

she had thought to offer that much more, at hearing the way shizuru's voice hinted at her desire for natsuki to rely on her. to not carry such a burden herself, to put it down for now. she deserves to, she deserves together with shizuru to tenderly embrace this love that they have.

but that didn't mean she didn't get flustered more at the sudden embrace, the gentleness of it and the warmth. she doesn't flinch, but reminds herself again, she shouldn't. even if she can only manage tonight to do this much, natsuki believes that would be worth it for shizuru. as something of an effort in repaying her and easing away worries that she had of her own for the night. it's a little clumsy, her attempt at wrapping her arm around the other. stiff, new, but trying. she feels so odd doing this, it'd only fade if natsuki kept trying instead of not trying. so she'll try, she won't stop as she eases the tension in her shoulders away.

the laughter rings in her ears, the melody of it. it's more worth hearing that for a little awkwardly clumsy attempts at affection.)

I'm not that badly hurt that I can't manage that much.

(but she knows, shizuru won't budge. the attempt at arguing was half-hearted on her part. there is no changing that. this pleasant warmth is something she finds she might have missed a little too much, scary, though she would not resist the pull of it into this night of domesticity.

they've earned that, playing house. doing things that they might not have before, she might ask later if shizuru minded joining her. if she can manage that, working up the nerve at times can be an arduous thing, though natsuki won't stop trying. her mind is set on that. if she can manage, she'll ask shizuru. however, it seems that shizuru's teasing is met with her flushed cheeks brightening. why is it so easy for her to do this to her?

to say these things, mischievous and unapologetic. she wants to say shizuru didn't mean it, but she knows. she meant that, too. it's enough to make her wonder if she should allow her this much in addition to everything else that's being done tonight, from her resistance to flinching away and pushing down certain reactions to now. would it disappoint shizuru if she rejects it?)

I can wash myself, you know, but if you're that worried about it.... (this could be easier, ugh.) Then I won't object to you making sure that I'm fine.

(clumsy. doesn't it always feel this way whenever she tries to do anything that revolves around this warmth? clumsy, like it might slip away from her, from them. the cold is a terrible thing whenever one's heart feels the warmth of love and care.

maybe that's another frightening aspect, the fear of that warm feeling leaving forever.)

[If Shizuru had known of the fear clawing at Natsuki's heart, this fright borne of the prospect of being abandoned to the deathly chill of loneliness once again, then she wouldn't waste a single second— she'd drop everything and devote herself to reassuring Natsuki that she isn't going anywhere. She'd keep her in her arms until that beautiful intention is pressed into her skin, seeping deeper than fingers could ever reach. She'd hold her until the rhythm of her heart, ardent and loyal, reaches Natsuki's.

Even if she already knows that Shizuru loves her— even if she knows just how much Shizuru loves her— it isn't as though it completely dismantles the worries surrounding the daunting task of opening her heart, keeping it open to receive the tenderness of love and all of its possibilities. Shizuru's own silent suffering feels so inconsequential when she thinks about Natsuki's self-imposed loneliness, the way that vengeance had been eating away at her.

But Shizuru, she was one of the lucky ones, allowed to see the snippets of the sweet girl she had always known was underneath the prickly surface. The way that Natsuki would thank her, or the way she would flush at some thinly-veiled, flirty remark the other would make. The way that she would hesitate before deciding not to let Shizuru in on her secret dealings. Natsuki could never fully belong to her, for her heart belonged to righting the wrongs committed against her. Shizuru had understood this, loving her anyway. And she has no right to expect an overnight change, or even something less than drastic in the few months since they began this new chapter together.

Love is far from perfect, rarely ever going as planned. Shizuru understands this, too, her desire for control tested and bested by a greater destiny than she could have ever imagined for herself. Yet she knows, for Natsuki, embracing the discomfort of honest love is like breathing air once more after languishing in the depths for so long. It hurt for Shizuru too, especially in the beginning. Sometimes, it still hurts, when her old thoughts rear their heads again— but Natsuki is the very air she yearns to fill her lungs with, every chance she can possibly get.

Sometimes, such a stinging ache can feel good.

If it's the clumsiness that gives Natsuki pause, then Shizuru will happily tell her that she adores her this way, just as she would adore her in every way. A Natsuki that's so precious and inexperienced in love would be just as cherished as a Natsuki who might one day take charge and kiss Shizuru first.

She's certain that Natsuki's confidence in her own love, regardless of how it looks, will be something incomparably magnificent.

Even now, Shizuru finds it utterly precious when the girl in her arms all but declares that she would like her to drop by more often. She can hear it, the effort made to keep her voice cool, controlled and almost nonchalant about her desire. It's nothing short of admirable, and it's only further proof to Shizuru that this love of their isn't something futile.]

Oh? Are you saying that you'll be fine being caught unawares by me?

[Another teasing laugh as she draws her closer, close enough to nuzzle her shoulder if Shizuru so wished. And maybe she does, just a bit, brushing her lips against the soft skin there though not committing to dropping a proper kiss.]

My, you're growing up, Natsuki.

[It's true— before, Natsuki would recoil harshly at someone showing up unannounced in this way. There was hardly a scrap of trust in the poor girl's heart back then, and a stunt like this, no matter how well-meaning, would only serve to wear it down even further. Even Shizuru, who had built the trust between them tirelessly over the years, brick by brick, had always known better than to push her boundaries too much. Yes, Natsuki may have given her the key to this apartment a good while ago, but Shizuru had only ever used it when its owner was already present and expecting her.

It goes without saying that hearing this is a truly pleasant surprise— as is the adorably stiff arm encircling her own waist to return this embrace. It's everything to Shizuru, who basks in the tenderness of the moment and in the love that swells within her heart.

I love you so much, Natsuki.

But these words remain an impassioned thought, for the time being.

It's enough— to be in love, to hold Natsuki and be held by her in turn, to have this night between just the two of them. She'll try to temper her hopes and expectations, but it doesn't help that her eyes light up when Natsuki acquiesces to her suggestion of helping her during bathtime.]

I'll do my utmost to make sure that you're more than fine, Natsuki. I won't miss a single spot.

[Oh, the enthusiasm is palpable in her voice. There should be a modicum of shame employed there for it, but her mind is already swimming with glee at the prospect of indulging where she can— with Natsuki's permission, no less. The younger girl can think herself unsophisticated and clumsy for the way she agrees to Shizuru's teasing, but that only makes this moment all the more charming.]

Then— I shouldn't keep you waiting, right? I'll start on our dinner straight away.

[As loathe as she is to loosen her hold on Natsuki, Shizuru has her work cut out for her. First, she needs to soothe her beloved's poor stomach with a homemade meal. And after dinner— well, that's when Natsuki wants to enjoy her bath, is it not? Shizuru's mind shouldn't be skipping steps so soon, but there's a crystal clear goal ahead of her now.

With an amusing blend of reluctance and excitement, Shizuru releases Natsuki and slowly rises from her seat atop the bed. Giving her a final, loving look, she softly excuses herself and leaves the bedroom for the kitchen. After finding a spare apron and tying it behind her, Shizuru peeks in the refrigerator and cupboards for an idea of what she's working with. Thankfully, there are some vegetables and meat that still look fresh. A hearty noodle soup might help Natsuki feel better, nothing too heavy after a full day without eating.

Perfect— best not to think too hard and waste precious time. For dinner, of course. It shouldn't take longer than an hour to put it all together nicely, and Shizuru savors this opportunity even as her body hums in eagerness under a different motivation.]

(doesn't everyone have a part of themselves that fears losing something that they lost once before? she knows loss, she knows it too well. she knows the lonely coldness of her choice to be by herself. that had been her choice, this choice which had a heavy burden on her heart. she did it without accepting that the warmth of love would be better. that she needn't always be alone, that she should have asked herself sooner during those days of small bliss and hesitation about being truthful that there was something more. something more, something waiting underneath the surface for natsuki to stop blinding herself to the obvious. why didn't she end this agony between them sooner? to know the truth, to see it, while allowing her heart which had been clouded by vengeance to slowly heal away the pain that she carried.

from one kiss she exchanged at the end, choosing not to place that burden on shizuru more than she had before. by her choice, she faded away with her most beloved person. not to be pawns, but to answer her with what honesty she could muster in such a moment.

is there no lovelier thing than to die with one's own lover? in stories like romeo and juliet, the lovers had died by poison and dagger. one after the other, all thanks to senseless violence and prejudice by their own families. there's something that can be said more about it, about dying in the arms of someone they're in love with. poetic, but saddening. depressing. what tragedy that kissed them throughout their years after meeting in ignorance and pushing down something deeper....what pain. is it not enough to feel love, to say and admit to it while wishing life is like a fairytale they both once likely knew of?

there is nothing easy about it, her clumsiness is only something that will fade with time. time when her spreading those wings of hers would come one day. not to leave her, but to fly with shizuru as natsuki should have done before. what she longs for most, that's another thing that cannot be answered so easily, not any time soon as she finds herself once again thinking to herself that there is one thing she is certain about. it couldn't have been anyone other than shizuru that reached her hand out gently, to pierce through a barrier that had been made to protect herself. to slowly reach for what remains of that sweet girl beneath her prickly exterior.

nobody else could have.

it won't be voiced aloud, but she feels it in her heart. an absolute truth as she begins to find herself flustered, again. it figures, doesn't it? being in love means she's seen through, by the one that loves her most. she sees through her, through thinly veiled flirtations and outright teasing natsuki. her heart, it beats a little faster while natsuki reminds herself again and again it would be fine. not to flinch away from these warm displays of affection meant for her.

that she shouldn't keep hurting her in such a way, no matter how long it took. not even tonight, bruised and scraped, would she turn away from this. this is to be their night, their quiet night. the outside does not exist in this softer world they're building together, clumsily and endearingly.

that shizuru teases her gently now, it's only a small part of it. the flush to her cheeks brightens slightly under the dimly lit room.)

I'm not a child, you know.

(now that sounded softer, likely not helped by the brush of shizuru's lips into her shoulder. how she nuzzled into her comfortably. isn't that worth the teasing? her laughter and this closeness.

she didn't hold back in her words during those early days. sometimes calling shizuru odd to her face, but natsuki never stopped her from trying successfully to form cracks in the walls surrounding her heart. she built her way within, with patience and love. she tries, natsuki does. had this been before, natsuki doubts she would have been as okay with shizuru doing this. showing up unannounced, granting her affection that she would have reacted poorly toward. like a stray dog, a stray that had lost it's home and was far too mad at the world, too angry, to think about something like finding a new one.

affection isn't something that comes easy to natsuki, but perhaps it's better to say that for shizuru she does have exceptions. her arm is stiff, yet she has it resting comfortably around the other girl who pulled her closer. the pair soaking in a warmth that they cherished in their own way. for someone so clumsy with love, with everything that it entails, natsuki truly is adorable in her expression of it along these small steps while they tend together to the garden of one another.

shizuru doesn't say it, but natsuki knows.

she can feel it in her gaze, how she has a reluctance in releasing her. she knows it too well. she can feel, hear that love she wants to say and give natsuki again. those precious words that would take natsuki some time to properly say to her own dearly beloved partner. she didn't need to say them so soon.

but she knows it, it's in the air.

the whisper of i love you, while natsuki watches on with a bit of softness tinging her usually harsh eyes.

she'll worry about it another time, the flush to her cheeks brightening whenever she notices how shizuru looks back at her after she released natsuki. the look of endearment. natsuki couldn't help how she smiles, if only a little, to herself with small thoughts that shizuru had changed.

they both have, but that's only the start of this journey whenever she gradually rises to her feet. she should at least get a change of clothes set aside, maybe find something for shizuru out of her closet. something that should suit the other girl, even if a small less than innocent musing might come to mind eventually. tonight isn't that night, though. not for realizations or going as far as to try on something new from her lingerie collection as a treat for shizuru.

once she's settled in the kitchen, natsuki makes her way out of her bedroom. the bandages were removed to show the bruises, some cuts, a few scrapes. nothing as bad as she would have gotten before. seems like whatever happened had thrown her off her bike, but at least this time she didn't attempt to walk into class while exhausted and aching. sometimes a good sleep helped more with pains like this.

thankfully the cuts were closed, but a good cleaning should do wonders for them once she's filled her stomach. natsuki takes a seat at the table, having had taken the liberty of making sure the lights were on for this night of playing house together. she didn't know what shizuru could be thinking about, about what other motivations she might have while they're alone.

maybe it's better she didn't, otherwise she might have said something.)

Edited 2025-10-14 12:14 (UTC)

i know you're here to stay with me, <@limerently>

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could be "eventual nacchan thread," or just for funsies

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ummmm in honor of tuesday sexting memes, or something

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wait, indulge me in that she'd use these emojis

CRYING BC THIS IS SO JARRING FOR NATSUKI

JUST WHEN SHE THINKS SHE CAN RELAX

DW SHE CAN BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD MORE BY OTHER THINGS TOO ROFL

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